Caruso Funny ~ Father I Have Sinned….

 

Lisa goes into the confessional booth at her church and says “Bless
me father for I have sinned, I have taken unfair advantage of the
generosity of a very kind and handsome man.”

The priest says “is that you Lisa?”

“Yes Father Leahy, it is me.”

“Who was the man you took advantage of?”

“I can’t tell you, Father Leahy, because I do not want to embarrass
him.”

Father Leahy asks “Was it Sean O’Malley?”

“No father.”

“Was it Ken Shaughnessy?”

“No Father Leahy.”

“Was it Johnny Gavin?”

“No Father Leahy, I just can’t tell you.”

Father Leahy says “I approve of your perseverance but you still
have to atone for your sins. Your penance will be to say five Hail
Marys.”

Lisa goes back to her pew where her friend Janet asks in a whisper
“What did Father Leahy give you?”

Lisa replies “he gave me five
Hail Marys and three good prospects for a new boyfriend.”

ha ha get it? Happy Thursday Active Rain!

We Are Now Accepting Qualified Listings

Now providing “Short Sale Services”

Call Today for More Info and our “Spring Thing….”

And thank you for making me Your Orange County Real Estate Connection.     

www.MichaelCarusoRealEstate.com

Best regards,

Michael Caruso, Broker ABR ABRM CLHMS CRB CRS GREEN GRI

Past President, Orange County Association of Realtors (949) 753-7900

 

Friday Funny ~ Pet’s can be smarter than you think…

 

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ”Hey,
lady! You’re really ugly!” The lady was furious and continued on
her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again. The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. “Hey, lady!” it said. “Yes?” “You know.”

 

ha ha ha! Happy Friday!

 

 

 

We Are Now Accepting Qualified Listings

Now providing “Short Sale Services”

Call Today for More Info and our “Spring Thing….”

And thank you for making me Your Orange County Real Estate Connection.     

www.MichaelCarusoRealEstate.com

Best regards,

Michael Caruso, Broker ABR ABRM CLHMS CRB CRS GREEN GRI

Past President, Orange County Association of Realtors (949) 753-7900

     

      

 

Caruso Funny ~ Job Ad Meanings

 

Ever wanted to know what is behind those standard phrases in job ads?

It is all being revealed now, just read on…

The real meaning of words in Job Ads

COMPETITIVE SALARY:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:

We have no time to train you and you’ll have to introduce yourself

to your co-workers.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:

….who still live with their parents and won’t mind our

entry-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:

We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, we don’t

shave around here and wear our tats with pride

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:

We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:

You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:

We have no quality control, so you better get it right

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:

Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like

philosophy or English.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:

We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal

formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:

You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:

You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:

You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or

respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and

then do

ha ha ha!

We Are Now Accepting Qualified Listings

Now providing “Short Sale Services”

Call Today for More Info and our “Spring Thing….”

And thank you for making me Your Orange County Real Estate Connection.     

www.MichaelCarusoRealEstate.com

Best regards,

Michael Caruso, Broker ABR ABRM CLHMS CRB CRS GREEN GRI

Past President, Orange County Association of Realtors (949) 753-7900

Friday Funny ~ The Mafia

 

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the guys and says, ” I want to join the Mafia.”

The guy answers, ” You ever kill any one for money?”

Artie answers, “No.”

The guy says, ” Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money.”

So Artie says, ” How much will you pay me?”

The guy says, ” I’m not gonna pay you.”

Artie says, ” C’mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in.”

The guy says, ” Okay, I’ll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I’ll pay you a dollar.”

Artie says, ” Oh thank you, thank you!” and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she’s lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.

The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can’t out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read, ” ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!”

 

ha ha ha ha ha ha! Happy Friday Active Rain!

 

 

We Are Now Accepting Qualified Listings

Now providing “Short Sale Services”

Call Today for More Info and our “Spring Thing….”

And thank you for making me Your Orange County Real Estate Connection.     

www.MichaelCarusoRealEstate.com

Best regards,

Michael Caruso, Broker ABR ABRM CLHMS CRB CRS GREEN GRI

Past President, Orange County Association of Realtors (949) 753-7900

     

      

 

Friday Funny ~ Take off my Clothes….

 

 

When a successful farmer died, he left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, & determined to keep the farm,
but knew very little about farming, so she decided to place an ad
in the newspaper for a farm hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.

 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about farming. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the farm was doing very well. Then one day, the woman said to the guy, “You have done a really good job here over the last few weeks. You should go into town and have some fun.” The guy readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock, and he still wasn’t home. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the farmer’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

 

She quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.” He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. “Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. “Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. “Now,” she said, “take off my panties.” By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”

 

 Happy Friday!

 

 

We Are Now Accepting Qualified Listings

Now providing “Short Sale Services”

Call Today for More Info and our “Spring Thing….”

And thank you for making me Your Orange County Real Estate Connection.     

www.MichaelCarusoRealEstate.com

Best regards,

Michael Caruso, Broker ABR ABRM CLHMS CRB CRS GREEN GRI

Past President, Orange County Association of Realtors (949) 753-7900

 

Caruso Funny ~ You’ve Got Mail

 

 

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I’ve got mail!”

 

*Blondes please do not take offense, its just a joke & my wife & children are all blonde :).

 

And thank you for making me Your Orange County Real Estate Connection.     

www.MichaelCarusoRealEstate.com

Best regards,

Michael Caruso, Broker ABR ABRM CLHMS CRB CRS GREEN GRI

Past President, Orange County Association of Realtors (949) 753-7900

 

Caruso Funny ~ The Old German Shepherd

 

 

I got this story passed along to me via email and it made me LOL so I thought I would share it with you! Happy Friday!

 

An old German shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost.

 

Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep do do now!”

 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

 

Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

 

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

 

“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!”

 

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

 

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and  strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

 

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

 

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says…

“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

 

Moral of this story…

 

Don’t mess with the old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

 

And thank you for making me Your Orange County Real Estate Connection.     

www.MichaelCarusoRealEstate.com

Best regards,

Michael Caruso, Broker ABR ABRM CLHMS CRB CRS GREEN GRI

Past President, Orange County Association of Realtors (949) 753-7900

 

 

 

Caruso Funny ~ How Scottish Policemen enforce the Road Rules

 

 

A London Lawyer in his flash new BMW is pulled over by a Scottish policeman.

 

He says, “Sir, I pulled you over because you didn’t stop at the STOP sign. That’ll be a 100 pound fine”

 

The lawyer looks at him “100 pound?!!!”, then pretty agitated: “Look, I slowed down all right? What difference does it make, I slowed down surely that’s enough.”

 

The policeman raises a brow and looks at him: “Sir, it’s a STOP sign, so that means you have to stop not just slow down.” 

 

The lawyer rolls his eyes, thinks for a moment and then says arrogantly, “Okay, I’ll tell you what, if you can show me how it makes a difference whether I slow down or stop, then I’ll pay the fine.”

 

The policeman says “all right then” pulls out his baton and starts to bash the lawyer.

 

The lawyer screams “what are you doing?”

 

The policeman says calmly “Do you want me to slow down or stop?”

 

And thank you for making me Your Orange County Real Estate Connection.     

www.MichaelCarusoRealEstate.com

Best regards,

Michael Caruso, Broker ABR ABRM CLHMS CRB CRS GREEN GRI

Past President, Orange County Association of Realtors (949) 753-7900

 

Caruso Funny ~ Texting Codes for Seniors…

I am sure as most of you know texting is the big thing with the kids these day. And they all have their texting codes like;

• BFF (best friends forever)
• LOL (laughing out loud)
• BRB (be right back)
• FYI (for your information)
• WTF (what the F***)
• GTG (got to go)
• LMAO (laughing my ass off)

So why not some codes for seniors (60 and over):

ATD – At the Doctor’s

BFF – Best Friends Funeral

BTW – Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM – Covered by Medicare

CUATSC – See You at the Senior Center

FWIW – Forgot Where I Was

FYI – Found Your Insulin

GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA – Got Heartburn Again

HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL – Living on Lipitor

OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFLCGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing. Can’t get Up!

WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?

WTF – Wet the Floor

WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again

WTP – Where’re the Prunes?

WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI – Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

DTAF – Don’t Trust A Fart

 

And thank you for making me Your Orange County Real Estate Connection.     

www.MichaelCarusoRealEstate.com

Best regards,

Michael Caruso, Broker ABR ABRM CLHMS CRB CRS GREEN GRI

Past President, Orange County Association of Realtors (949) 753-7900

     

      

 

Caruso’s Thanksgiving Poem!

TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING,
BUT I JUST COULDN’T SLEEP.
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS,
I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
 
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED –
THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE,
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION
WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT.
TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION,
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR,
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.
 
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
‘TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY,
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES….
HAPPY EATING TO ALL – PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.
 
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES ‘N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP.
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS.
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS!!

Wishing you all a very Happy Thanksgiving!!!

 

And thank you for making me Your Orange County Real Estate Connection.     

www.MichaelCarusoRealEstate.com

Best regards,

Michael Caruso, Broker ABR ABRM CLHMS CRB CRS GREEN GRI

Past President, Orange County Association of Realtors (949) 753-7900